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The end of a relationship is never easy, especially when you have children together.
But while it might seem hard at first, there are ways to co-parent with your ex even though you’re living apart.
We caught up with one of our Tiny Happy People families, Mhairi and Ndaba, who separated earlier this year. Parents to two young daughters, they gave us their tried-and-tested advice on shared parenting.
And we also chatted to Dee Holmes, Senior Practice Consultant at Relate, for her top tips on making co-parenting as stress-free as possible.
What is co-parenting?
Co-parenting, or shared parenting, is when two people who have children together break up. They then carry on raising their children together even though they are no longer in a relationship.
While every family has their own arrangements, children will usually spend part of the week with one parent and the rest with the other.
“Co-parents are no longer in a couple but are committed to being a proactive and active parent and part of their children’s lives,” says Dee. “The child might be with one parent more than the other, but both will be very much active in decision making.”
Positive co-parenting: the first step
From confusion to upset, it’s normal to have lots of different emotions when a relationship ends. So, the first step to shared parenting is giving yourself time to grieve.
“You’re grieving not just the end of a relationship but the future you thought you had as a family”, says Mhairi, who split from partner Ndaba six months ago.
They are parents to River, two-and-a-half, and Delilah, nine months and are determined to make their shared parenting work.
Co-parenting is totally normal: relationships end and that doesn’t make you bad people or bad parents.
“In our case, it’s been better for our girls as we’re not arguing in front of them anymore.”
Here are eight ways to make your co-parenting go as smoothly as possible:
How to co-parent successfully
1. Put your children first
You may be feeling upset and angry with your ex. But even though it might not be easy, it’s important to put those emotions to one side.
“We’ll always make sure the girls aren’t involved in any arguments”, says Mhairi. “Even in the early days of our breakup when we weren’t really talking, I’d still Facetime Ndaba in the evenings so he could say goodnight to River. We made sure that even though we couldn’t really talk to one another, it didn’t affect the girls.”
2. Be flexible
If you’re sharing custody of the children, there are bound to be times when one of you needs to swap weekends. Dee recommends being as flexible as possible with each other.
“Try to remember your child is at the centre, and their needs are paramount. Be flexible if you can and if you have to compromise or change a plan, think about what is best for your child.
For example, it might be your weekend with your child next week, but your ex-partner wants to swap as they have an event that clashes with their scheduled weekend.
If you dig your heels in and say no, or if you get into an argument about swapping weekends, that can leave your child feeling that no one wants them.
Ndaba agrees and adds, “Some couples might not want to help each other, but that’s dangerous and doesn’t help the children. We try to be as flexible as possible with each other.”
3. Learn how to communicate
Face-to-face, text, over email… there are lots of different ways of talking to your ex about your kids.
Finding the way that works for you both is important.
“We prefer talking on the phone rather than over text”, says Mhairi. “There have been times when we’ve been messaging, and we’ve got into a bit of a dispute. Your tone of voice is very different in text messages. We’ll call and explain what we actually meant, and then everything is fine.”
4. Get organised
Kids have very busy social lives. So, staying on top of key dates will cut out any arguments about diary clashes. And it will also reassure your child to know what is happening.
“The not knowing is what is difficult for children”, says Dee. “If they are going to be spending their time at both your homes, work with your ex-partner to make sure your child knows where they will be and when.”
Find a way that works for you both: some co-parents have a shared Google calendar they can put all their child’s term dates in and various things. Other people may do it on paper or by email. Try to find a way together.”
5. Ask family and friends for help
If you find you can’t talk to your ex without arguing, it’s a good idea to get someone to act as a ‘middle man’ between you both. This could be a family member or a friend.
“Try and be understanding towards each other”, says Ndaba. “You’re not always going to see eye to eye, and at those moments take a step back and give the other person some time.”
When that happens, it’s good to have someone neutral in the middle who can do the communicating for you.
Mhairi adds, “When we first broke up, we didn’t speak for a while. Even though we didn’t break up for any bad reasons, we both needed that time to breathe. Ndaba’s mum and my dad helped us when we needed to pass on messages about the girls.”
6. Be prepared for change
Another top tip is realising that how you co-parent will change as your children get older.
Dee says, “It’s helpful to accept that co-parenting is an evolving thing. What works when your child is two might not work when they are older and at school.”
Keeping communication open with your ex-partner means you can change how you parent together. For example, your child may have a lot more after-school activities, so you'll need to agree how those are paid for and who does the picking up.
7. Be prepared for a new partner
If there's no one else involved when you separate, it may be quite easy to co-parent. But when a new partner comes on the scene, it can all become a bit more complicated.
“That’s when sometimes people dig their heels in and aren’t so accommodating with each other”, says Dee. "You might think, ‘I don’t really want my child going to the new partner’s family party so I’m not going to swap weekends’. It comes back to what is best for your child, even though it's hard.”
You’ve got to swallow your feelings a bit and let them start to get involved in the other family’s life.
8. Be kind to each other
If you’ve had a very messy breakup, the thought of being nice to your ex might feel impossible. But if you can, it will make co-parenting that bit easier.
“It’s important to be kind to each other,” Mhairi says. “I have the girls during the week and Ndaba has them on Sunday, but he helps me out a lot as well if I’m not feeling great or if I need a break.”
Ndaba adds, “We’ll always be in each other’s lives because of the girls. Even though we’re not in a relationship anymore, we can still be friends.”
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