How do you want to be remembered as a father? (Photo: Getty Images/Blue Images)
Live by Design is a weekly News24 column by Dr Helena Dolny and Mapi Mhlangu on mortality and the conversations around it.
Father’s Day is being marketed this week. My devices are full of adverts for what could be "the perfect gift." The airwaves carry adverts encouraging us to celebrate fathers, stepfathers, grandfathers and fathers-to-be.
It is a simple celebration for me. I had a dad. When he wasn't working overtime shifts at the factory on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings he was very present. He did a lot of DIY tasks around the house and I was his shadow and learnt some skills that have stood me in good stead in my adult life. In womanhood, his patriarchy offended me – "Now I’m really a grandfather," he exclaimed when a boy grandchild was born – the third grandchild – the first two were girls.
I didn’t let it go, but asked, as the mother of one of the girls, "How do you think that makes me feel?" I forgave him for his patriarchy; he was, simply, unquestioningly repeating the social norms of his generation. What is more important to me was that I grew up feeling loved and cared for.
In terms of "Living by design" how do you want to be remembered as a father? What implications does that have for time and money?
A client of mine works in a town that is a three-hour drive from the family residence. Four nights a week he is not home. Much of the weekend is spent relaxing in front of the television and then on Sunday evenings he opens his laptop to be on top of things for the week ahead. In conversation, he revealed that he is troubled about the quality of his relationship with his children – he is not feeling connected enough – he feels that he is seen as the ATM – the parent his children go to when they want money for something.
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We discussed intentionality, our way of living with the end in mind, and that if he aspired to a different quality of relationship then his weekends needed a redesign. What could he do with his children that would contribute to memory-making and, hopefully, significantly modify the quality of their relationship? I'm curious as to what he’ll try.
I understand I was one of the lucky children – others are less fortunate. There are many children who grow up not knowing their fathers, are afraid of them or, even worse, they are abused. This Sunday will not be a day for them to celebrate their fathers – hopefully, they can mark the day as another of having survived what their family of origin offered to them.
And what about the complications of when you either do not know your father or you have two of them, a stepfather and a biological father. Who will represent you during rites of passage occasions?
In 2023 when the Johannesburg inner city held its annual artists' studio open day I was drawn to a print, "Ozimelayo", created by Molefe Thwala oa Makhele. The image created is of two feet in a pose which suggests the person is standing. I was curious and Molefe explained this work as an outcome of his exploring identity and self-awareness.
"I am born of two men. Thwala, the man whose surname I bear and carry – a proud Nguni and a great man, my stepfather. Makhele, the man whose genes I carry, with historical ties to Basotho, my biological father. Traditionally, as an African man there are rites of passage and responsibilities I have and they stem from my father, his father, his father before that, etc. With limited or no representation, who and what I am becomes problematic because I cannot be properly represented in our family's umsamo (altar). In dealing with my frustrations, I thought, I will represent myself, I will do this myself: 'Ozimelayo – the one who stands up for or represents themselves, as one would in a court of law.'"
My colleague Mapi never knew her biological father. She was a much-loved child. Her mother, Busisiwe, once broached the subject and suggested that father and child might meet. It didn't happen, Mapi wasn't interested; and then when she was, it was too late, her father had passed.
Mapi tells me of the presence of a truly wonderful man who was present in her childhood, who her mother treated as a son, who was the MC and spoke at her mother's funeral. Mapi tells me that whenever she needs representation in family matters, any rites of passage discussions, that her mother designated this person to stand for her.
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Biological or non-biological – what matters most?
Another friend of mine who never got on with her biological father speaks fondly of her godfather, and how important it was that she had the positive male anchor.
Therapists tell us that what matters most is that we are loved (the biological relationships notwithstanding) and that we are nurtured to become wholesome adults. What matters most is that when we, in turn, choose to become parents we're thoughtful in living our lives as parents and what we want our children to experience of us.
As important, if not more important, as creating the material conditions will be the time spent together as parent and child, creating those opportunities for memory-making. Memory-making doesn't necessarily cost money, being dad's DIY helper is likely to be a source of warm memories in years to come– as precious as any gift or holiday.
The cover of Before Forever After by Dr Helena Dolny. (Staging Post)
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Disclaimer:News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24.
